The Lover and The Loved

Many intimate relationships are based on mutual physical attraction. Sometimes however there is an obvious difference in scale of physical attraction. In these cases it is obvious who is the lover and who is the loved.


For the lover there is the obvious attraction to someone who is much more beautiful than them. For the loved the attraction may be less obvious. If the lover is very rich or influential then the attraction is likely to be the money or status that the loved gains. However part of the attraction will be that the loved enjoys the attention given by the lover. To be loved is better than to be unloved. To be loved can provide a sense of worth and can be pleasing in itself.


In order to maintain such a relationship it is important that the lover regularly shows their love towards the loved with extravagant gestures and gifts so there is no doubt as to the magnitude of the love. The spending or provision of large amounts of money by the lover may be involved.


The loved may have doubts of the love so that constant reassurance from the lover may be necessary, hence the need for regular gifts as love tokens. The lover may have doubts of acceptance by the loved who may find a new lover. The acceptance of the gifts can show acknowledge and acceptance of the love by the loved.


An obvious example is the sugar daddy relationship where the older man is wealthy and spends lots of money on his young love who enjoys the attention and security provided by the older man.


A less obvious example is the woman who falls in love with a gangster. In this case it may be the woman who is the lover and the man the loved. A gangster can be an attractive figure being so masculine and appearing so strong and powerful. He expects to be obeyed so that a lover who is submissive and giving will be be appealing regardless of actual beauty. He will enjoy the love given by the lover as confirmation of his status as a respected person despite his dubious methods.


It should be noted that there are attributes other than physical appearence that may be attractive such as being a good cook or a good homemaker. The emotional realtionship can be more important than the physical relationship for both men and women.


The relationship of the lover and the loved can be surprisingly strong as long they are willing to continue in their roles. It may be that the loved will find a new lover or even that the lover will find a new love, in which case the relationship will come to an end. However both may work hard to avoid this happening, the lover by being extravagant in gestures of love and the loved by showing gratitude for the love.


Children can be a complication in the relationship. The loved may have to compete for attention with the children and may not feel as loved as before. Similarly the lover may feel neglected as the loved is distracted by the children. However as long as the lover and the loved can maintain their roles alongside their role as parents, the relationship can continue.


Indeed what starts as the lover and the loved relationship may develop in a different, more mutual relationship with age as physical attraction becomes less important. Yet for some people it will always be a case of the lover and the loved to be maintained with each continuing with their roles until their deaths, even after the other has died.

Coffee Shop Blues - a short story

     Jane  was  on  her  way  to  the  coffee  shop.  Too  late  she  noticed  her  ex-boyfriend  coming  the  other  way.  They  almost  bumped  into  each  other  as  they  tried  to  avoid  each  other.  They  exchanged  a  glance  and  moved  on.  Neither  was  pleased  to  see  the  other  but  nothing  was  said.

     They  had  first  met  in  the  coffee  shop.  Jane  had  been  fumbling  for  her  purse  and  Rob  had  paid  for  her.  They  had  had  a  pleasant  conversation  and  Jane  had  returned  the  favour  by  buying  him  another  coffee,

     This  had  led  to  them  going  out  together.  They  had  got  on  well  and  found  each  other  good  company.  Jane  spent  more  and  more  time  at  Rob’s  flat. 

     One  evening  she  was  at  his  flat  waiting  for  Rob  but  he  stayed  out  all  evening  and  come  back  drunk.  Jane  went  back  to  her  flat.  The  next  day  Rob  came  round  to  apologise.  He  had  been  out  with  his  friend  Dave  and  they  had  a  few  drinks.

     Much  the  same  happened  a  few  weeks  later.  It  was  just  what  he  did  with  Dave.  When  he  spent  an  evening  with  him  they  always  ended  up  drunk  whether  they  meant  to  or  not.  It  was  just  how  it  was.

     Other  evenings  Jane  and  Rob  would  go  out  together  or  perhaps  stay  in  together  and  have  a  good  time,  so  the  relationship  seemed  to  be  progressing  well  despite  Dave.

      Then  Dave  started  going  out  with  a  German  barmaid  called  Nicole  .  He  had  fancied  her  for  a  while  and  finally  got  round  to  asking  her  out.  The  fact  that  she  was  German  seemed  to  make  her  more  exotic  but  the  main  appeal  to  Dave  was  that  she  had  large  breasts.  He  was  a  man  of  simple  tastes.

     It  was  decided  that  one  Friday  evening  that  the  two  couples  would  go  out  together.  It  was  the  first  time  that  Jane  had  met  Nicole.  It  was  soon  apparent  that  Nicole  was  very  lively  and  she  was  very  amusing.    She  found  the  English  people  so  strange.

     It  was  getting  late  when  to  amuse  the  men  Nicole  kissed  Jane.  The  longer  the  kiss  went  on  the  more  it  pleased  the  men.  Jane  went  along  with  the  kiss  so  as  not  to  spoil  the  fun.  However  after  the  kiss  Nicole  suggested  that  since  they  had  enjoyed  watching  the  women  kiss  so  much  the  two  men  should  kiss.  Rob  and  Dave  made  their  excuses.  They  had  known  each  other  for  so  long.  They  would  never  kiss  each  other  as  it  was  not  that  sort  of  relationship. 

     Nicole  threatened  to  go  unless  they  stopped  being  so  boring  and  they  should  kiss  each  other.  To  encourage  them  she  kissed  them  each  in  turn,  first  Dave  and  then  an  initially    reluctant  Rob.  However  they  still  would  not  kiss  each  other.  So  Nicole  got  up  to  leave.  And  she  invited  Jane  to  leave  with  her.  Jane  was  not  sure  how  things  would  work  out  but  she  decided  to  go  with  Nicole  to  teach  the  men  a  lesson.

      Nicole  and  Jane  went  to  a  bar  nearby  and  had  a  drink  together.  Nicole  said  she  was  bored  with  Dave  and  she  was  going  to  stop  seeing  him.  Afterwards  Jane  went  back  to  her  own  flat  alone.

     The  next  day  Rob  came  round  to  talk  things  over.  Dave  was  upset  over  Nicole  leaving  him.  Rob  thought  that  Dave  had  been  badly  treated.  Jane  thought  that  Dave  had  got  what  he  deserved.  It  led  to  an  argument  between  them.  Rob  thought  Jane  should  be  more  sympathetic  to  Dave.  Jane  did  not  think  much  of  Dave.  Rob  took  the  criticism  of  his  friend  badly  and  decided  to  end  his  relationship  with  Jane.  Jane  was  glad  when  Rob  left.

     Jane  went  to  collect  her  things  from  Rob’s  flat.  It  was  a  difficult  end  to  the  relationship.  They  had  had  good  times.  The  main  problem  had  been  Rob’s  friendship  with  Dave.  In  the  end  it  became  a  choice  for  Rob  between  his  relationship  with  Dave  and  his  relationship  with  Jane.  As  far  as  Rob  was  concerned  it  was  an  easy  choice.  He  could  not  be  disloyal  to  Dave,  so  it  was  goodbye  to  Jane.  Jane  understood  this  so  little  needed  to  be  said.  They  both  felt  that  the  other  should  have  been  more  understanding.

     Thus  it  was  that  Jane  felt  awkward  bumping  into  Rob  again.  She  went  to  the  coffee  shop  and  sat  down  alone  with  a  coffee  at  a  table.  As  she  looked  out  the  window  she  saw  Rob  with  his  new  girlfriend.  Rob  was  carrying  several  shopping  bags  and  looked  flustered.  It  was  clear  that  the  girlfriend  was  in  charge  of  the  situation.  Somehow  this  made  Jane  feel  much  better.

The End

©Conor Cotter