The Shop Assistant

I went out with Paul again last night. We have been going out regularly for a few years now. He is fairly reliable. He is happy to spend money on me. He is very protective and considerate. He says that he will do anything for me. But I think he only likes me because I have large breasts.


You can see it on his face. That familiar grin that gives his thoughts away. I guess I am use to it by now. Men so rarely look me in the face, even when I am talking to them. I often have to repeat what I am saying, as they are thinking about other things. It is obvious where there interest lies.


It is so predictable and so annoying. Some men try not to be too obvious about it, but they give themselves away with the unnatural expressions on their faces. Others blatantly stare and are not ashamed of it. Some men are too intimidated to say much. Others say too much and make outrageous suggestions.


Few men seem interested in me as a person, but they all want a good look. Women become jealous of the attention I get. They try to ignore me, but then give me nervous glances. Even my friends are affected by it. Everyone waits to see how I react.


You have no control over it and you feel so exposed. You find yourself struggling to overcome the awkwardness of the situation. It is both a compliment and a threat. Any response you make may be misinterpreted. The men, lost in their own thoughts tend to overreact by reading too much into casual remarks and become irrational in their expectations.


Paul is not much different from the rest, but he happened to be around when I needed someone. We were at school together and seemed to drift together. There was little effort on my part. He always seemed to be around. Without me knowing it, he suddenly became my boyfriend. He may not have been the prettiest, but he knew how to say the right things and to take control of the situation without overstepping the mark.


There have been others passing through, but somehow he has persisted. He has been good to me. He takes care of me and tries to keep me happy. He pretends to be so big and strong, but really he is so sweet and gentle. I can relax with him and it is nice to have someone to look after you.


He has the same desires as the others, but he knows to wait for the right opportunity and not to be too forceful. He knows how to behave in public and can be a proper gentleman when he wants. However, when we are alone, it is difficult to say no all the time. Trying to stop him can be like trying to stop a steamroller, as he is not easily distracted. He knows I can give him what he wants..


He can be too protective and we have our arguments. He is proud of me and shows me off to his friends, but he does not like me going out without him. However I manage the occasional night out with girl friends to catch up with the gossip.


Even then, I seem to attract attention so quickly that it is difficult to relax and enjoy myself. I wish I was not so conspicuous. It is obvious what the men are thinking.


Some men are so ruthless when it comes to women and will say anything to try to please you. They lie so easily. They make extravagant claims about themselves and expect you to be so impressed by them. They treat women as mere bedroom fodder. They do not like being turned down and try to blame you for leading them on, as if it is your fault for having large breasts.


I have to be careful what I wear. I avoid tight clothes, as they are too uncomfortable, particularly in a crowd. It gets worse during the summer, when it is too hot to have much clothing on. The less clothing you are wearing, the more you are looked at.


I look forward to winter when I can cover up more. Even then, it is difficult to disguise my figure without looking too bloated. Naturally I prefer dark clothes as they are less revealing, but it would be nice to be able to wear some bright colours for a change.


By contrast, my friend Donna is virtually flat-chested and can wear what she likes without being pestered by men. She can flirt with men and treat it as a joke. She can be outrageous and get away with it. She is far more adventurous than me. She does not worry about what others might think. She just likes having a good time and is not afraid to take the lead with men.


She can make things happen and liven up a place. She does not have a long-term boyfriend, but she does not lack male friends. She is a good mover and knows how to get noticed. We have fun together. Paul thinks she is funny, but ignores her most of the time.


You are only young once so you might as well try to enjoy it. However everything seems to favour men. Life is easier for them. They are use to taking control and making the big decisions, so they are more confident and get the bigger jobs.. They do not have to cope with periods and pregnancies. They even age better than us.


As a woman, most of the time you are merely reacting to events over which you have no control. Women are given little chance of independence. It is tempting to get pregnant in order to give yourself something of your own to control., even though it further limits your actions. Perhaps women give in too easily.


At times Paul treats me like a lucky mascots, taking me everywhere with him. When we are alone, he is just like the rest and he wants me all to himself. At least I can make him happy and bring a smile to his face.


He has his faults, but he makes up for it with his warmth and energy. He is very physical. He prefers actions to words. He means well, even though he sometimes gets things wrong. He does his best to please me, but he does not have much patience. He is continually breaking off buttons on my tops.


He likes an easy life and is easily pleased. He is happy to spend all evening on the sofa, watching television or listening to music. He can be lazy and has to be reminded about things that he should be doing.


Life is difficult on your own, especially for a woman. It is useful to have a man around, even if it is only to stop other men from pestering you. Paul is good to me and it is hard to disappoint him. He has all the right equipment and does not need batteries, as he puts it.


Sometimes it is nice to be the centre of attention and to know that everyone is watching you. It gives you a feeling of power, but this power has its limits. Men can be so boring, especially when they only have one thing on their mind. They leave women to deal with the practical side of things.


My relationship with Paul is reaching the stage where something is going to happen soon. He has his own flat and he has suggested that I move in with him. He wants me to give it a try and says that I can move out any time if things do not work out.


He has left home but he still wants to have someone to look after him. I already do some cooking and cleaning when I go there. He would be happy for me to stay and do al the housework. He can be very old-fashioned when it suits him. He will want to keep his independence, but I will lose mine.


Paul has a good steady job as a car mechanic. He loves messing around with cars, even when he is not being paid for it. He hopes one day to have his own business. He wants to be rich but he has not got very far. He is young and hopeful. He enjoys life, too much at times. He frequently drinks too much and then expects me to take care of him.


My parents have been very good to me. They have let me do what I want, even when they think I am doing the wrong thing. Sometimes I think they are too easy on me, but I have to live my own life and learn from my mistakes. There is the pressure to conform and the desire to rebel.


It is difficult to explain things to them. They try to understand but things have changed since their day. I will probably look at things differently when I am their age. They are settled in their lives and it would be difficult for them now to change.


It is difficult for a single woman. You are considered a concern, either as a liability or as an opportunity. You are thought to be both fragile and tempting. There is pressure to pair up. Everyone feels more comfortable with couples.


On my own, I feel vulnerable. Men seem so aggressive and so threatening. It is frightening the stories you hear. You feel it could easily happen to you. On my own, I am careful what I do. When I am with Paul, I feel safer and am more open. I can look at men and know that nothing will come of it, since Paul is there. It is easier for men, there is less for them to worry about.


I am not ambitious. I just want to enjoy life. Paul is very independent. He likes to do his own thing and hates being told what to do. It is difficult to reason with him. He always knows best.. It can be very annoying, especially when he is right.


Men exploit any weakness and women should do the same if they are to make any progress. It can be fun to flirt and tease. You can exploit the situation and use things to your advantage. They can be so busy looking at you that they do not notice you looking at them. If women behaved as badly as them, they would soon start complaining. It is still a male-dominated society and we women have to use all our assets to get anywhere in life.


It is so annoying when you get pestered by men. It is so predictable with all the usual comments. Most of it is harmless but you have to be careful. Men have limited interests when it comes to women. Do not be afraid to embarrass them if necessary. Underneath they are very insecure.


It is often easiest to go along with things and not create a scene. It can be used to your advantage later. Requests to men for help are rarely refused. It is not difficult to get their attention. The hardest part is getting rid of them when you have finished with them.


I like my body. There are improvements that could be made, but it functions well enough. However it takes time to look good and it is easy to let yourself down in your appearance. If everyone is looking at you, you want to look good. I want them to like the whole package, not just the more obvious features.


But there is no point in always covering your biggest assets. There are times when you want to show what you have got. You may not get a second chance to make a good impression. You do not want to miss out on opportunities.


People respond to what they see. A little flirting can make things easier. It gives you a feeling of power over them.


Men can be so easily manipulated. It is just a matter of using the right approach. A little charm goes a long way. It is amazing what you can get away with. It makes you lazy. Things happen too easily.


I would like to think that people like me for what I do, but I have to admit that my appearance does make a difference. I do get noticed in a crowd. The novelty does wear off quickly, but it can still be nice when strangers respond immediately to you.


It is good to feel wanted, even if it is for the wrong reasons. It cheers you up to think that you are worth looking at. You must be doing something right if everyone wants to look at you. It is tempting to play to the crowd, but it can easily get out of hand.


I have a job as a shop assisstant in a jewellery shop. It is fun just looking through the displays. The customers are interesting, acting like kids in a sweet shop. It is easy to tease them with the more expensive items. They are often men buying presents for their wives or girlfriends. They seem to spend more on their girlfriends than their wives.


Some customers can be difficult. You can not trust people. They are too easily tempted by expensive, shiny objects. The manager is very friendly to me and is always willing to help me if I have a problem. He is very understanding if I make a mistake.


Men seem mesmerised by my breasts. To me they are just large and awkward. I have to say that my life would be different if they were smaller. I am not a show-off, but you can not ignore the reaction of others. You are what you are, so you might as well use what you have got. People do not do you favours for nothing. They expect something in return, even if it is just a token gesture.


Paul may have his faults but he has his uses. I would feel bad about deserting him after so long and I would miss him if he was not there. However I do not feel ready to settle down yet. A relationship can be so limiting. It is full of compromises and it is usually the women who makes the most compromises.


I would prefer not to have to rely on Paul, but it is convenient to have him around. I sometimes wonder what life would be like without him. I am not particularly clever. I am never going to be a big success at anything. I want to settle down and have a family at some point, but it seems too soon to be making big decisions.


It is easy to sit back and let Paul make all the decisions. It is what he wants. He would willingly provide for me. I would just need to go along with his ideas and keep him entertained when necessary.


He expects to make the decisions when we are together. He does not like me taking the lead. He does listen to me, but he always does as he pleases. He does not like long discussions and he thinks he knows best.


Paul makes moving in with him sound like a small step, but I know that it will be significant. It is leaving home. Although there will be the chance to move back, it will be difficult to admit to having made a mistake. If only life could be simple. I would not like to live on my own but I do not want to lose my independence.


Until now it has been a very easy relationship with no sense of long-term commitment to each other. It may sound odd but we just seemed to have drifted along together. Sometimes I wonder what he really things of me. Perhaps he thinks I am just a soft touch. Perhaps he just wants some body to play with. I wonder if he will still want me when I am old and sagging.

The End

©Conor Cotter

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